


(this is really not) what friends are for

by stargayzing



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Gen, Humor, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-10 18:03:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8926852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stargayzing/pseuds/stargayzing
Summary: "It's a matter of life and death," Merle says gravely. After a moment, he admits: "Okay, so there's not actually any fatal danger."Magnus rolls his eyes. "Called it.""But this is about my dignity. That's almost the same thing, you know. What's a dwarf without dignity?""Not my problem," Taako says.





	1. Chapter 1

Merle has been frowning all day. Now and again, he gives a weary sigh.

Taako, of course, either misses it completely or pretends to. Magnus just decided he didn't want to know.

So it's Avi who, finally, after eight solid hours of this, takes pity and asks him what's wrong. He's just too darn nice.

"Hm?" Merle replies. "Nothing. I'm fine!"

He gives Avi a winning smile. Avi looks like he rather regrets asking, and Magnus pats him on the shoulder consolingly before they walk on.

They get through dinner in near silence - it's meatloaf, and the best way go get through that is to choke it down as quickly as possible - but the second they arrive in their luxurious rooms on the bottom of moon base, Merle bursts out with: "Okay. I lied. It's not nothing."

Taako mutters something uncomplimentary under his breath and Magnus throws his hands into the air in frustration. "Why didn't you say so in the first place?!"

"I didn't want that guard guy to know," Merle protests. "Aaron, wasn't it?"

" _Avi_." One of these days Magnus is going to give up on correcting Merle. He's pretty sure the old dwarf is doing it on purpose, too - he's not _that_ old.

 "Whatever. Basically, you're the only ones I can turn to. The only ones I can trust with this."

Taako checks his nails with a bored expression. "Uhuh?"

 "It's a matter of life and death," Merle says gravely. That gets Magnus' attention at least. 

After a moment, Merle admits: "Okay, so there's not actually any fatal danger."

Magnus rolls his eyes. "Called it."

"But this is about my _dignity_. That's almost the same thing, you know. What's a dwarf without dignity?"

" _Not_ my problem," Taako says.

Merle ignores him and continues on: "Exactly! It's like a Panite with a pollen allergy. Pointless, really."

"Or a cleric who never heals anyone."

Merle glares at Taako. "What, is it gang up on Merle day today? Oh suuuure. Just because I'm short and old you think you can get away with bullying me."

"Don't make me out to be some kind of dwarfist. You just suck at adventuring, I guess. Them's the breaks, grandpa."

"Oh come on guys. You won't even do me a teeny weeny favour? After all we've been though together? "

"Why don't you tell us what this is about, first."

 "Alright. But you've got to _promise_ to hear me out."

"Fuck. Sure, I promise, whatever, just _get on with it_. I have, like, ten episodes of Fantasy Jersey Shore to catch up on."

Merle fidgets a little, then takes a deep breath. Taako and Magnus look at eachother. They roll their eyes in synch when Merle clears his throat a few times before starting what sounds like some kind of voice warm up exercise.

" _Seriously_?" Taako looks seconds away from magic missiling the shit out of their cleric.

"Right," Merle rasps. "I've received an invitation to a family gathering. A dinner party. I have no idea how they got it to me, considering I'm literally on the moon, but that's annoying relatives for you I guess. Crafty bastards." 

"This is fascinating and all," Taako's voice says it's really not, "but I still don't see how that's my problem."

"Well. You know about my ex wife, right?" Nods. "Well, I've heard from... sources I will not name... that Hecuba has been dating. And there's this really snide line in the invite that asks if I'm going to bring a plus one. Now obviously I can't tell Hecuba I'm still pathetically single and lonely... Which I kind of am..."

"That much is rather obvious."

"Yeah," Taako chimes in. "Since you keep trying to fuck every plant we come across."

" _Anyways_ ," Merle says, glossing over that last comment entirely, "I already RSVP'd."

Magnus starts grinning. "You peed?"

"Oh haha. Are you five?"

"Yes."

" _Anyways_... I might have _possibly_ , sort of, implied I was going to bring a date?"

Taako walks to the couch and slumps over dramatically, since he gets the feeling this will take a while.

"So you need a fake date. A beard, but not a literal one since you have that already, and you're not in the closet either. Well. Maybe that's not a great comparison."

"Hey Merle," Taako calls from the sofa, "which of us is going to have to bite the bullet and pretend to be _your_ boyfriend? It's just, that sounds like a lot of work. I'm sure Magnus can totally handle it."

"Actually..." Merle says, "I said I'm bringing both of you. And mentioned that we've been dating for a while?"

There's a beat of silence. Then Merle soldiers on: "And well, this is going to be a piece of cake and no problem at all, but I said we're madly in love or some shit. Which, again, that's going to be easy to fake."

Taako starts laughing while Magnus looks like he's in pain. "Now hold on," he finally says. "First of all: That is totally not how you RSVP. Seriously. Secondly: Why the hell did you say you're dating the both of us?"

"Well, I thought, since Hecuba is dating this guy, I could one up her by dating two guys. Establish my dominance, you know."

"Makes sense," Taako says.

"No it doesn't! What is _wrong_ with you two?"

Taako raises an unimpressed eyebrow. It would probably look cooler if he wasn't sprawled on the couch, limbs everywhere. "I see Magnus here has never had a bad break up."

"So you'll help me, then?" Merle asks, hopeful.

Taako snorts. "Hell no."

Merle gets out his puppy eyes. Which should not be as adorable as it is, considering he's a centenarian and spends more time killing people than actually healing anyone.

His party members look back at him, completely unimpressed.

"But I can't show up there _alone_."

Taako yawns.

Magnus says: "Why are you even going, if it's going to be so horrible?"

"Oh it's definitely going to be horrible. But the Coralheart clan is huge and pretty influental. And very, very good at holding grudges. So I need to show up or the three of us will be tossed out of every dwarf-owned establishment west of Neverwinter."

"Uhuh."

Merle sighs and resorts to bribery. "There'll be free food."

"I'm in," Magnus says immediately.

The two of them turn to look at Taako, who just looks back at them. No response.

"The guy who's hosting this is rich," Merle tries. "If you do this for me, I'll help you rob him after the party."

"Sold!" Taako says, springing to his feet.

"Now hold on. Isn't he like your cousin? Are you really going to steal his shit?"

"Meh. He's an asshole anyway. And I'm not going to steal anything, Taako is." Merle narrows his eyes at Taako. "Which does _not_ mean we're not going to split the profit evenly."

Taako just looks back innocently.

"So when is this party?"

Getting out a watch, Merle checks it and winces. "Uh. In about an hour?"

"You have got to be shitting me right now," Magnus says, voice flat.

"Hey! Don't act like this is my fault! If you had taken a hint and asked me what's wrong sooner we would have had more time to prepare."

"You could have just asked-"

"Guys, guys," Taako interrupts. "We don't have time for this. We've got jewellery to steal and exes to show up. Now. Do either of you own an outfit that doesn't look like you got dressed in the dark and then fell in a swamp?"

Neither Magnus nor Merle meet his eyes. "Typical," he mutters. "Fine. Whatever. We'll go to Fantasy Costco." He whirls around, wizards robe flaring around him, and marches towards the elevator

"I don't think they sell fancy clothes or tuxedos there," Magnus says, amused, as he follows him into the elevator.

Taako raises a hand and wiggles his fingers. "Transmogrifying wizard, remember?"

* * *

They end up looking damn fine in their freshly magicked suits. Even Merle, which Taako smugly says is a true achievement.

Magnus snickers before he stops, guiltily. "We should probably at least pretend to be nice to Merle if we're going to do this, Taako."

"Don't ask for a miracle, homie."

They get to the room with the cannons. Avi is not on shift which is pretty convenient since they have no trouble bullshitting this guy into letting them borrow one. Sucker.

The cannonball impacts on a sandy beach ten minutes later. They get out and look around. About one hundred feet away is a large mansion surrounded by several empty wagons.

"Looks like we're in the right place," Magnus says. "And pretty punctual, too."

Merle makes his way to the front door. His two friends trail after him, absently smoothing out creases in their clothing. 

They walk through the open door and foyer (Taako eyeing the decorative silver candesticks as he goes) and step into a large room full of people.

Before they have a chance to properly look around, a small but incredibly fast shape pounces on them. A second, only slightly taller person follows at a more reasonable pace.

"Dad!" Mookie cries, and tackles his father in a hug.

Taako and Magnus blink. "Wait. Dad?"

"You're a _father_?" Taako sounds horrified. No, amused. Personally offended?

"Oh look," Mavis says. Her voice is cool, but she gives Merle a hug anyway. "More people that don't know we exist."

She eyes Taako and Magnus, then turns to Merle. "You're late," she accuses. "The party started an hour ago."

Merle looks sheepish when Magnus and Taako glare at him. "Oops?"

"You're hopeless," she sighs. "I'm Mavis and this is Mookie."

"Hail and well met," Taako offers.

Mookie seems too distracted by going through Merle's pockets to notice the attention, but Mavis gives him a polite nod.

"Nice to meet you," Magnus says, "Mavis, was it? I must say, you have Merle's, uh, eyes?"

"I take after my father," Mavis allows, smirking a little. "But Merle is actually my stepdad."

"... Right." Taako starts snickering. Magnus punches him half-heartedly. 

"Alright. Well, Mookie and I have someone's ass to kick at Hoop and Stick. See you."

They watch Mavis drag her brother away in amusement.

"Now what?" Taako says.

"We go find the host," Merle grumbles. "Kiss ass, socialise a little, and then we can leave."

"Sounds like a plan."

They make their way through the crowd, which is mostly dwarves. Since Taako and Merle stand out to an almost ridiculous extent, they draw a number of stares. Taako waves back cheerfully.

They stop rather abruptly when Merle halts, face to face with an old but rather attractive dwarrowdam. "Merle," she says, eyeing him cooly.

"Hecuba." He jerks his head, more a twitch than a respectful nod.

"You're late."

Merle opens his mouth, then closes it again, a frustrated scowl on his face. Taako jumps in. "Fashionably late, darling," he purrs, giving her a charming wink.

Hecuba Roughride gives him a dismissive once over, before turning back to Merle. She says in dwarfish: "I don't know who these idiots are, but I'm not impressed."

"Oh you will be," Taako replies, also in dwarfish.

Hecuba blinks in surprise, then turns and walks away.

"I forgot you're like, a linguistic genius," Magnus says casually. "Also, I get the feeling you just did something cool, but I didn't understand a single word."

"You missed out," Merle says, grinning. "My boy Taako here just showed up that hell wife."

Taako mumbles to himself: "It's ya boy."

They keep going. For the two tall boys, it's a lot like wading through a very hairy, somewhat hostile lake. Merle leads the charge, muttering "'scuse me"s and the occasional "hey Phil."

"You cannot expect me to believe the last ten dwarves you greeted were all named Phil," Magnus speaks up.

"What? Phil's a solid name. Very traditional. Why, my Aunt Betty named all six of her sons Phil."

"That must make for _very_ confusing family reunions."

Finally, they reach the other side of the hall. Only a few feet away from a large buffet table (Magnus eyes it hungrily) is an old dwarf seemingly holding court. You can tell he's important because he's absolutely covered in jewellery from head to toe (Taako's turn to eye something).

"Bartitimotaeus," Merle says, respectful. Well. Respectful for Merle.

"If it isn't ol' Brother Highchurch," Bartimotaeus Coralheart croaks out. "Hecuba bet one hundred gold coins you wouldn't show, she did."

"Always happy to disappoint her," Merle replies cheerfully.

"Who are your friends?"

"My name is Magnus Burnsides. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir."

Bartitimotitaeus waves him off. "No need to call me sir. My first name is fine."

"Well... That's kind of you to offer, but I sort of forgot your name already. Sorry."

Instead of getting angry, the old dwarf lets out a guffawing laugh. When he's done, he wipes a tear from his eye and says: "Call me Bart. I like you already, Burnsides. And who's the other one?"

"This is-"

"My name," Taako interrupts, "is Leeman Kessler."

"Oh for fuck's sake."


	2. Chapter 1.5

There's a moment of silence as Magnus and Merle both glare at him and a confused Bart looks on. Taako, looking suddenly cheerful, breaks it with: "Just kidding. I'm Taako. You might know me from TV~!"

"Why would you lie about your own name?" Bart says, frowning heavily now.

Magnus jumps in with an embarrassed little laugh. "He wasn't lying! Leeman is his... wait, I remember, Leeman is his train name. Y'know, a name for when you're on a train?"

"We're not on a train."

Merle, with his patented I'm Bullshitting You So Hard Right Now smile, says: "Well when you think about it, life is sort of like a train..."

"And this conversation is like a train wreck," Magnus mutters.

"Started off so well, too," Taako agrees.

"Don't act like this has nothing to do with you."

"Enough," Bart rumbles, suddenly looking ancient and displeased. "Hecuba was right. You're a mess, Merle Highchurch. Now get out of my sight."

They do. There's a small balcony out over the garden off the main room, and they step out there. 

Magnus is about to crack a joke to try and lighten the atmosphere, but when he looks over to Merle he sees the deep lines on his face, the hard set of his mouth under his beard. "That could have gone better," he rumbles after a few seconds of silence.

"Yeah, we kind of fucked that up..."

"Sorry guys. This one's on me," Taako admits.

Merle covers his face with both his hands. To their absolute horror, it almost looks like he's... sobbing?

"Hecuba is going to love this," he says thickly.

Taako and Magnus share a look.

"I can't believe I'm going to do this," Taako says, rummaging around his enchanted handbag for his lipstick and applying a fresh coat, "but come here you disgusting lump of a dwarf."

Merle looks confused right up until Taako crouches down and starts pressing kisses to his face and mouth, leaving lipstick stains as he goes.

After a few seconds (and Taako mussing up his hair) it looks like their cleric has just been thoroughly smooched.

"You too," Taako says to Magnus, getting up and pressing a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth. "And I need you to take off your jacket. The waistcoat you're wearing under it is going to make your arms look _obscene_. If you can do it, bonus points if you flex and pop the buttons off your shirt at an opportune moment."

"Of course I can do it," Magnus says, sounding offended.

"What are you doing?" Merle asks and he sounds steadier now. Thank fuck.

"They want to gossip?" Taako says, loosening his tie and opening the top buttons of his pink shirt, "I say we give them a _scandal_."


	3. Chapter 2

When they enter back into the ballroom, they immediately draw a dozen stares. Someone wolf-whistles and calls, "Way to go, Merleboy!"

And Merle - like he wasn't emotionally devastated just minutes before - gives the crowd a wink and slaps Magnus' ass.

"I hate this plan," Magnus mutters out of the corner of his mouth, pretending to smile lovingly at Merle.

"It's about to get a lot worse," Taako comments. "Heads up."

He nods in the direction of a familiar dwarven figure making her way towards them. It's Hecuba Roughridge, obviously on her way to gloat at Merle for managing to get on Bart's bad side so quickly. When she sees the state they're in - clothes and hair disheveled and covered in smears of lipstick - she gapes. Then her eyes narrow. "There are _children_ here," she hisses. "Is this what you call 'appropriate'?"

Taako has to bend his knees a little to put his arm around Merle's shoulders, but he does and giggles out: "We-ell... We just couldn't resist, could we, Maggie?"

"Oh yeah. Totally. He's got that... that animal magnetism. I'm sure you remember what that's like."

Hecuba gives them a sickly sweet smile that's more alarming than any of her previous glares. "Oh yes, I do. In fact, it's a lot like that with my fiance too. You know him, Merle, right? Remember your old pal Glymeth Coralheart? He used to come by for poker nights. But, well, a lot has changed since then. He's actually owner of the largest trading company on the whole coast now!"

"I remember him," Merle grinds outs. Then her words register. "Wait. Fiance?"

"Oh, did I forget to tell you? My mistake. Yes, we're engaged to be married some time next year."

Merle snorts out a laugh. It's bitter enough that Magnus shoots him a concerned look. "Good luck with that."

"I don't need luck. I just need you to grow up and finally sign the divorce papers."

Merle picks his nose, flicking the booger off with a bored expression. "Eeh. Sounds like a lot of work. I don't really feel like it."

Taako tries very, very hard to disguise the disgust on his face as something close to infatuation as he presses a kiss to Merle's cheek and says: "Why'd you ever let this sexy hunk of perfection go, I don't know. Seems like a rather stupid move."

Crossing her arms, Hecuba's mouth firms and, at length, she says: "Much as I hate speaking ill of the father of my child - special boy that Mookie is - Merle is nothing more than and old, ugly drunkard. Still unemployed, too, I bet."

"Actually, I do have a job. And believe it or not, I'm very, very good at it. The casualty rate has been going way down recently! Well. Mostly." Merle waves her off when it looks like his wife is about to interrupt him. "So I'm working. But I can't tell you what it is or for who. Confidential, you see. Top secret."

Hecuba snorts. "Now that's a new one."

"It's not an excuse! And work is how I met these two... sweethearts."

"You've never worked an honest day in your entire life, Merle Highchurch, so don't you lie to me. Or at least make it a little less obvious. Top secret, my ass."

"He can't tell you who he works for," Magnus jumps to Merle's defense, "because your brain can't handle that knowledge. In fact, it might just explode. You don't even know what the Bureau of Balance is, do you?"

Hecuba frowns. "The... what? What just happened?"

"Don't think about it too much," Taako advises. "Your brain will overheat."

"Besides... Jealousy is really not a good look on you, Hecks," Merle adds.

"Don't call me that!" With a huff, she storms off. Magnus turns, sees the small crowd of relatives that's gathered in the hopes of a good show and very intentionally makes eye contact with every one of them. They stare back, entirely unashamed.

"Y'know, dwarves are a lot harder to handle than I thought. They're all so gossipy. I was thinking they'd talk more about, you know, gold or some shit," Magnus says conversationally.

Before anyone can reply, a very small dwarf approaches them. "Young love," the old lady croaks out, and she's so old Magnus is genuinely worried she might croak entirely and it will somehow be his fault. "So sweet. Why, I remember my honeymoon..." There's a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. 

Magnus shudders and tries very hard not to think about this old lady having sex. And fails. Shit.

Luckily, the dwarrowdam just pinches Merle's cheek and wanders off. Magnus watches her go and declares, "I need a drink. And I think somebody promised free food."

"Well, we missed the dinner-" " _And who's fault is that._ " "-but we can go loot the buffet table."

"Awesome," Taako says, and starts walking in that direction.

They're halfway there when Merle is suddenly engulfed in a cheerful hug. "Merle!" the newcomer greets. "I heard you were coming!"

"Dungrul," Merle responds, giving him a hearty pat on his back, "It's good to see ya."

"You too. And your, um, companions?" He gives them a cautious once-over before leaning in and muttering to Merle, "So, cousin, what's with the charade?"

"What?"

Dungrul continues (still loud enough both Magnus and Taako can hear him) and winks, "It's kind of obvious. These two are way out of your league,"

"True," Taako mumbles, and Magnus elbows him. "Don't be rude."

"And the biggest clue in, of course, is the fact that you're not, well, you're straight."

Merle frowns as he replies, forced casual: "Now where did you get that idea?"

"Oh please. You became a Panite _specifically_ to meet girls."

"The beard was a factor too," Merle protests, and this is going no where. Magnus jumps in: "Listen, I'm going to be honest with you. Merle has like, a billion cousins, so I'm not surprised you two aren't close enough to actually know _that sort of thing_ about each other."

"I was his childhood friend! I know _everything_ about Merle!"

"Okay then, let me ask you this. Has Merle Hitower Highchurch ever fucked an onion?"

"What? Of course not!"

"Right. In that case, Pooplord or whatever your name was," Taako chimes in, "take my advice and quit while you're ahead."

Magnus nods. "Yeah. You really do not want to go getting into what horrifying sexual tendencies this man has. Or. Dwarf."

"Horrifying? You're having sex with him, aren't you?"

_Eww. I managed to block that out_ , Magnus thinks with a wince.

Taako, of course, remains both unflappable and unflapped. "That's none of your business, but if it were? I'd tell you it's ah-mazing. Seriously, you would not believe the things that plant arm of his is capable of..."

As Taako goes on, Dungrul slowly turns an alarming shade of green. He quickly excuses himself and walks away. They watch him go, Merle waving after him cheerfully.

Then Magnus turns to Taako with a grimace.

"Now if you don't mind," Magnus mutters to him, "I'm going to find a fuckton of alcohol and bleach that entire conversation from my brain."

Taako shudders in agreement. "The things I do for stolen family heirlooms..."

"Hey," Merle says, offended. "I think fantasy sex with me would be _awesome_."

"Nope, no, not talking about this, no."

They continue their quest towards the buffet table and, again, are interrupted. "Wait. So you're actually dating Merle?" A young dwarf says out of nowhere, disbelief clear on her face.

"Darling, do we look like we're faking?" Taako says, tilting his head to indicate Merle's lipstick smeared face. 

The girl blushes and scurries away.

"Speaking of make-up, I should freshen up. And I need to poop. Like, serious congestion levels here. Where's the toilet?"

He says the last part loud enough to draw stares from several nearby conversationalists. A confused Merle gives him directions. "Toodles," Taako says, and walks off. 

"Well. What now?"

"Food," Magnus immediately says. 

"Sure, I could go for some gumbo."

"Weirdo."

Their casual banter is interrupted by someone saying, "Is that how you talk to your husband?"

The newest interruption - seriously, what is it with this clan? - is coming from an ambiguously-gendered dwarf with the same red hair and freckles Mookie has. A relative, then, although with dwarves that doesn't mean much.

"We're not married," Magnus replies, a little confused. 

"And besides, husband is such a dull term. I prefer," Merle leans in, giving them a charming wink, "soulmate."

"Oh chucklebuns," Magnus says, trying not to laugh, "you old romantic you."

"Just can't help myself around you, sweet cheeks," Merle gushes, putting an arm around his waist.

Freckles is eating that shit right up. And in fact, so are a nearby cluster of old ladies who aren't even pretending they're not listening in. Merle and Magnus exchange a glance and decide to up the ante. To that effect, Magnus plants a loud smooch on Merle's cheek.

"Aww," Freckles coos. "How did you two meet?"

"How _did_ we meet, pumpkin?"

"Gosh, I really can't recall right now, shmoopykins. I feel like we've been in love for forever, y'know? Easy to see why, when my boyfriend looks like _that_."

"Oh you! Isn't my snugglepuff just the sweetest?" Magnus asks. "He's such a charmer." Their audience nods, enraptured. 

"No need to be so modest! My li'l bed bug here is pre-ttey skilled with words too. And you should hear him sing! In another life, he would have made a fine bard."

"That's coming from the honeybunny who singlehandedly - wait, shit, bad choice of words - who on the regular saves the world! Did you know my sweetums is a hero?"

"Suure. Just don't make the rest of us believe it," an older lady interrupts. "Blinded by love, I call it."

Magnus frowns at her. "Oh, sorry, did _your_ boyfriend save the entire planet last candlenights?"

The lady blinks, confused. "Nothing happened last candle nights."

"Yeah, you're _welcome_."

"Easy there, sugar lips," Merle says, putting a placating hand up. "Some people just can't handle how in love we are. Jealousy's a terrible thing."

"You're right. Sorry, huckleberry, I just get so emotional when someone doesn't appreciate you."

Merle snorts, then pretends it was a cough. "No one's nicer to me than you are, banana muffin."

"That's because you're my ravioli," Magnus proclaims. "The honey to my bee."

"The E to my T," Merle agrees.

"The D to my nD."

"The poo to my pee."

"Eww," Magnus says, scrunching up his face. "The.. Shit. I can't come up with any more."

"That's okay. I love you anyway, my smoochy woochy cuddle wuddle poo."

"Alright, I give up, you win. Can we get some snacks now?"

Ignoring the confused fangirls, they - finally - move on to the buffet table. After only two minutes of silence, Magnus bursts out with: "Can we have a rematch? It's just, me losing at the pet name thing is really bugging me. I'll prepare some beforehand next time."

"Sure!" Merle says. "Whenever we do this again, I suppose."

"Oh. Right."

* * *

Taako's bathroom break takes long enough to be slightly suspicious but not so long you would ask what he was up to - mostly out of fear he'll give you a detailed (and loud) update on his current constipation level and dietary tract. He's also markedly cleaner, with the lipstick smears wiped off and his hair redone.

He steps into the ballroom and looks around, trying to find Magnus and Merle. God knows what those two idiots were up to in his absence.

As he's walking by, an old dwarf addresses him in a voice so gruff it almost rivals Merle's: "So, how much?"

"I'm a luxury few can afford," Taako replies airily, ready to walk past. Then the words register and he stops. "Wait, excuse me?"

"C'mon. Highchurch hired you, didn't he? As an... I think the preferred term is 'escort'." For the record, seeing an old bearded dwarf leer was not something Taako was getting anything out of. 

He crosses his arms. "I don't think I like what you're implying."

"I'm not implyin' anything. I'm just saying, you're getting paid to be here, right?"

Taako considers this for a moment. To be fair... but, well, still. He raises his hand, checks his nails to make sure they're all in peak condition, and slaps the motherfucker. The sound rings out incredibly loudly - even in the white noise of the chattering people - and immediately draws a number of stares.

"How dare you," Taako says quietly, eyes blazing. He continues in a raised voice that drowns out the rising murmurs around them: "How. Dare. You. You don't know me! You don't know my story! How dare you! I came out here to have a good time and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now. That was an assault on me, on my reputation, my very  integrity. How dare you besmirch my honor like this. And in public! This is the worst day of _my life_. Worse than the time I dropped my sandwich! I cannot believe you have the gall to imply- to suggest- to call me a... whore!"

The dwarf is staring at him, mouth open. Then he looks around, sees the hostile looks a number of guests are now shooting him and gulps.

Taako takes a second to pretend to wipe away a tear. He lets his voice tremble (but doesn't lower his volume) as he says: "I came here to make friends. I just wanted to get along with my boyfriends family! Why can't we all just be nice to each other? I'm shook at how I am being treated by my so-called in-laws. It's just... too much..."

The audience gasps when he swoons dramatically. ... Right into Merle's arms.  
  
(Or, well, that was what he was going for; but due to a _slight_ height difference Taako sort of just slumps on top of him. Miraculously, Merle manages to actually catch him, which Taako thinks might well be the first act of competence in his entire life.)

The old cleric gives the other dwarf a thunderous look. "Robert," he growls out, "you wouldn't have upset my honeybuns, would you?"

"I just..." The Dwarf - Robert - sees the way Magnus is glaring at him and falters. 

"Nothing to say? Then get out of my sight."

"And out of this party," someone calls, and there are murmurs of agreement. The old dwarf hangs his head and skulks off.

"Now..." Merle says, cradling Taako against his chest protectively and addressing the gathered crowd, "if anyone else has _anything_ to say about my lovers, they can come to me and ol' Smoosher." He gives the warhammer a loving pat. 

Magnus chooses this moment to flex threateningly. The buttons pop off his shirt and hit one of the snickering on-lookers square in the face.

There's a moment of silence. Then, someone starts applauding, and soon everyone crowds around the three of them and joins in.

It's a very moving scene. Taako would probably appreciate it more if he wasn't suffocating in beard. Luckily, Magnus notices Taako turning purple and moves them to the side. "Well that was certainly dramatic."

Taako untangles himself from Merle, sputtering in an attempt to get the hair out of his mouth. " _Gross_."

"Hey," Merle says, all wounded pride.

"No, sorry, you did a fantastic job. Really. But we should appreciate the prima donna over here too my man."

"I think someone was about to open a popcorn stand right there."

"Natural born talent baby. Hey, did you guys get me something from the buffet table? I'm starving."

Magnus pulls a squished-looking sandwich out of his pocket and hands it to him. "Oh heck yeah. Now that is what I call... true love."

"So, what were you doing up there?"

Taako raises his eyebrows quizzically. "On the toilet?" At Merle's nod, he continues drily: "Take a wild fucking guess, buddy."

Merle leans in, giving him a wink. "Okay, but what were you really doing up there?"

"Do you want me to paint you a picture because I will," Taako threatens. Then he takes another bite out of his sandwich and chews thoughtfully. "'sides, I'll let you guys in on my fantastic plan later. When I say the word, we're going to make a loud and dramatic exit."

"What word?"

"Merle," someone suddenly says, and the three adventures are taken off guard by Hecuba's sudden appearance in their small corner of the room.

"Devilwoman," Merle greets her solemnly.

The lines around her mouth harden. "From what I've heard you and your two boys-"

"Uh, duh, we have names," Magnus interjects.

"Of course. Mr Muscles and Mr Lives-for-Drama..."

"We-ell... Close enough."

"You've been the center of attention of this party, to my surprise. Still, it's a good thing, since it would be hard for you to avoid me and these papers now." She gets out a large scroll with a quill. At the top of the page, in elegant dwarven script, are the words Divorce Papers.

"I'm not really seeing what I'd get out of this," Merle says conversationally. He doesn't even look at the scroll.

"How about that the two of us'd never have to see each other again? Sounds heavenly to me."

Merle turns serious as he finally looks her in the eyes. "I'm not letting you keep me from seeing the kids."

"And what is it, exactly, that you can offer them? You're a mess, Merle, a lousy person and an even worse father. If you really care about them so much, you should thank me for keeping them away from your... influences."

Merle tries to lunge forward, but Taako holds him back, smearing the mustard from his sandwich on his jacket in the process. "Shit, sorry Merle."

Magnus puts a soothing hand on Merle's shoulder, helping Taako pull him back. "Merle, I don't think you really want to do this."

"Nope, I definitely want to clock her."

Their minor struggle - and the fact that Hecuba and Merle are interacting, always entertaining - draws the attention of the other party goes. Soon, they crowd around them, because dwarves love a good shows as much as, if not even more, as any other race. 

"Not in front of all these people," Magnus insists. "Not in front of Mookie and... Marble? No, that wasn't it. Shit."

"Mavis," Merle corrects, but that seems to have taken the fight out of him. He straightens his jacket, looking at the stain in dismay. 

"You're wrong, Hecuba," he says as he begins taking off the jacket so Taako can dab at it with a tissue. "I'm not going to poison these kids. I'm going to be there for them, be the father I should have been, and I'm not letting you stop me."

Hecuba shakes her head at him. "A decade of marriage and I can't change you into something other than the crusty old drunk you've always been, but these two pretty boys come along and suddenly you're turning a new leaf? I'm not buying it."

With the sleeves of his dress shirt rolled up, Merle's tree arm is now on open display. Hecuba stares at it, at the way Magnus' arm is once more on his shoulder and Taako is standing behind him, and sneers. "I see you're even less of the man you used to be." 

"You did not just say that," Magnus starts, but before he can do anything, a gust of wind blows through the windows, playfully tugging on hair and dresses and coming to a rest around Merle. His right arm begins to bud golden leaves and, very purposefully, a single finger unfurls to flip off Hecuba.

There's a moment of silence that stretches into infinity. Taako breaks it, yelling out: "Now _that's_ what I call divine intervention baby!"

"What just happened?"

"You just got served. Wow, now would be a great time."

Magnus leans in to whisper to Taako, "Time for what?"

"Oh, just in general."

"I've got this guys," Merle says, staring down at his soulwood arm. Then he straightens up and turns to the gathered crowd of relatives. "You know what? Screw you guys! You're just a bunch of gossip mongering orcists! My colleague happens to be an orc and you know what? She could kick all of your butts!"

"Merle my man, I love what you're doing here, I do," Taako says, "but I'm not sure how well your attempt to defend orcs is going here."

"Yeah," Magnus says, scrunching up his face, "you're trying to make orcs sound less scary and violent so, like, praising her battle prowess is great and all but we're kind of working an 'orcs are more than just brutal murderers' angle here, y'know? So try to say something that humanises her."

"Oh. Uh. She's really cool and... She lover her girlfriend very much?" Magnus nods approvingly. Encouraged, Merle continues: "And her girlfriend could kick your ass too!"

"Well..." But Magnus shrugs and says, "Good enough for me."

Ignoring the flabbergasted crowd, Taako says, "Are we blowing this popsicle stand or what?"

"Yeah," Merle says, grabbing his jacket and heading back towards the front door. He gives Mavis and Mookie a cheerful wave as he passes by them. 

They walk out onto the beach, lit by starlight and the crescent moon, sand crunching beneath their dress shoes. 

"That was... something."

"Yeah."

"Merle? How come you basically told the entire Coralheart Clan to fuck off when the only reason we came to the party was to, you know, not piss them off?"

"Oh, they're not going to be offended too long. Besides, the Coralheart inns are going to love having us there, just for the drama of it all."

"Makes sense," Taako says, shrugging it off. "But I feel like we're forgetting something..."

"Yeah, didn't we have a plan or something?"

"Oh, shit, right. Oops. SO... Let's go hide in the bushes for like, an hour."

"Uhuh."

"Everyone knows we left already, right? So if things are stolen after we've already left we won't be on the suspect list. I scoped out the place when I was on the toilet earlier-" "So pooped it out" "-thanks. And there's definitely some valuables in there. I left one of the upper windows open so we can just climb in any time."

"Nice," Merle says. "What kind of valuables?"

"Oh, all kinds of stuff. Your uncle Bart is as rich as he is a dick, apparently. He even had monogrammed socks."

"Let's steal them. But just, like, one each."

"That's evil," Merle says approvingly. "I love it."

 "And our getaway car is a fucking cannonball. How baller is that?"

"Good work," Merle says, slapping Taako's ass. "You're a genius, cutiepatootie."

"Call me that again and I'm punching you in the throat."


End file.
